Dad Band

Fiction by Phil Holt

© 2020

Part 1

It had been hours by now. Walter was growing tired. His four-year old daughter, Kristi, was giggling with delight. They were playing the Pretty Pretty Princess Game. The object of the game was to move around the board and land on squares that allow you to earn a Princess Crown or earrings, or a necklace or a ring. Which you then wore, for the duration of the game.

Walter had won two earrings which he wore at Kristi’s insistence. His ears hurt. His daughter had collected all of the other costume pieces but she still needed the ear rings and the crown.

“Why don’t we just say that you get the ear rings and the crown automatically sweetheart?” Walter asked.

“But that wouldn’t be fair, Daddy,” Kristi said. “Besides, that’s cheating.”

She smiled innocently at him while his ear lobes throbbed.

The game dragged on for several more hours. Walter could almost feel his brain separating from the inside of his skull. It was soooooooooooooooooo boring. On and on and on they played until finally, blissfully, dinner time came and they could stop.

Still, evening after evening and day after day on the weekend, Walter played Pretty Pretty Princess even though he felt the seconds creep by impossibly slowly. 

He knew that she wouldn’t always be four and that these days were slipping by fast. One day, one day soon, she wouldn’t be his little girl any more. She would begin to pull away from him, to find her way. He wasn’t ready for that.

Part 2

Years later, Walter was out for a night with the guys. They were having pizza and a beer at Louie’s Pizza. It was clear that Walter and his buddies were all comfortable in their Dad bods. The Dads were discussing their teen age daughters and the changes they’ve seen in them.

“I just miss how we used to be,” Walter said. “She used to hug me all the time. Now she looks at me and rolls her eyes.”

“I hear you,” Bill said. “It’s like I’ve become the most embarrassing person on the planet.” Bill was an IT guy at Honeywell. He was pudgy and balding.

“I know,” said Pete. “All I ever hear is ‘DAD! You’re sooooooooo embarrassing.’” Pete was in Finance at UnitedHealthcare. He was a sharp guy, quick with a remark. He had black hair and glasses.

“She used to admire me,” Walter said, staring into his beer, avoiding eye contact. “I used to mean the world to her. I was her whole world.”

There was an uneasy silence between them.

“Hey,” Larry said. “How about those Twins?” Larry worked as an engineer at 3M. He was an amiable, likeable guy who liked to keep things light. But now, things were getting pretty deep. For a bunch of guys, they were getting dangerously close to sharing their feelings.

It got very quiet. Soon they all went home.

**

Walter was texting Kristi. It went like this:

Hi, Sport!

                                                              Dad?

Yup. How are you doing?

                                                              STOP

What’s going on with you?

      STOP TEXTING ME

Why?

     DAD!

All Right.

Walter looked down at the words on his phone. He could feel her slipping away from him.

Part 3

All the next day, Walter sat in sort of a blue mood. He couldn’t shake the feeling. In the afternoon, he sat in his chair, watching Kristi sprawled out on the couch, watching videos on the family’s iPad. She was laughing and giggling. On the screen was a group of young Asian men, in close synchronized motion. Walter had to admit. It was mesmerizing. They flowed like water, perfectly timed to the music and each other. He could see how much it meant to her. She looked at them in the same way she used to look at him, with love in her eyes.

That used to be me, he thought.

**

Walter asked the guys to meet him in his garage. They gathered together on a Saturday afternoon.

“I’ve got it,” Walter said. He was excited.

“Got what?” Pete said. “Ants in your pants?”

The guys laughed. That was a good one!

Walter had expected this and let it roll off his back.

“No. I have an idea of how we can win back our daughters,” Walter said.

“What?” Bill asked.

“So,” Walter said. “I was watching Kristi watch this Boy Band from Korea on our iPad. She was really into watching them. Do you know this group?”

“Yeah,” Pete said. “They’re called BTS. My daughter likes them too.”

“Well,” Walter said. “She looked at them just like she used to look at me.”

“So?” Larry said. “So what?”

“Don’t you see? If we form a boy band, we’ll win back our daughters.”

They looked at him like he’d lost his mind.

“Oh, for God’s sake, Walter,” Pete said. “How much have you had to drink? BTS? Are you sure it wasn’t IBS?”

Larry and Bill laughed.

“I’m serious,” Walter said.

“Come on, Walter,” Bill said. “You’ve had some crazy ideas before, but you’ve outdone yourself.”

Walter went all in on this idea. He tried to convince them that this would work.

“Think about it, Guys,” he said. “They see all these pop music stars and they pull away from us. We have to fight fire with fire here. We have to use their methods and practices. We have to show our daughters that we can be cool.”

“Man, Walter,” Bill said. “I don’t know.”

Walter used all his skill and experience as a salesman at Pitney Bowes to make a convincing pitch. He wore them down. They started to imagine dancing their ways back into the center of their daughter’s lives. It all seemed possible. It didn’t seem crazy at all. They could do it, if they only tried. They even came up with a name for their new group: Dad Band.

It was time to get to work.

Part 5

It was the day of the School Fundraiser Talent Show. Dad Band was gathered just off stage where they could see the other performers.

The MC was the bubbly effervescent music teacher, Mrs. Quibbly. She got the show off to a rousing start with a community sing-a-long. She lead the families in the audience through “This Land is Your Land” and “Yellow Submarine” and “Let it Go” From Frozen. The parents all looking sheepishly at each other as they mumbled their way through the songs, just like they did in church.

Then the acts began to perform. Lester McKinley did magic tricks. The McKenzie sisters sang Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen, which raised some eyebrows. This sure wasn’t A Mighty Fortress Is Our God. The Marching Band even did a rendition of Stars and Stripes Forever, marching around in the auditorium. Then it was time for an intermission, so people in the audience could stretch their legs and the Fundraising Committee could sell watered-down lemonade. Dad Band was to be first up after intermission.

Kristi found Walter backstage and pulled him away from the other Dads.

“Dad,” Kristi said. “Please don’t do this.” 

“Honey,” Walter said.

“Don’t go out there, please!”

“Kristi,” Walter said. “It will be okay.”

“PLEASE DON’T EMBARRASS ME!” Kristi shouted and stormed off. Walter watched her go and then looked over to see Wendy looking over at him, giving him that look. Walter swallowed hard and wondered what he’d gotten himself into. This could turn out to be a huge disaster.

Then they heard Mrs. Quibbly. 

“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen,” she said. “It’s my privilege to welcome a group of dads with big, big hearts. I saw them in rehearsal and, well, they are just a whole lot of fun! Please welcome, Dad Band.”

The music started. Out they came onto the stage, not quite ready for any of this. Their nervous energy coupled with their eagerness to please and their sheepishness gave them an air of adorable awkwardness in the same way as a 12-year old boy wearing his dad’s suitcoat. They were adorable, vulnerable, and yet full of bravado.

They shuffled from side to side, they spun to the best of their abilities, even if they were a half beat behind. Their harmonies, if that is what they were, were slightly off kilter. The whole performance reeked of good intentions.

The audience reacted enthusiastically. They clapped and cheered. The members of Dad Band could see people taking cell phone video. They thought that maybe there was even a TV camera out there too. 

Holy Cow! It was almost overwhelming, they thought.

Dad Band didn’t win or place, but they definitely showed.

As they were walking off the stage, Bill was heard to say, “Thank, God that’s over.”

And it was, or so everyone thought. They all knew that was the end of it. It was the end of Walter’s cute, slightly misguided attempt to rewin their daughters. 

But they were wrong.

**

A week later, Walter was at work when he got an email.

“My name is Andrea White. I am a Talent Coordinator with America’s Got Talent (AGT). I saw a video of your group, Dad Band, on YouTube. 

I think your Dad Band would make an excellent contestant on our show.

We will be holding auditions at the Marriot Hotel Ballroom in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

We hope to see you there.

Regards,

Andrea”

That next evening, Louie’s Pizza was abuzz with excitement. Dad Band was ready to take it to the next level. Or were they?

Part 6

It was crunch time. Auditions for AGT were only a week away. As tension mounted in the garage, Kristi was whining and complaining to Wendy.

“Oh, my God! Mom. Dad’s going to embarrass me in front of the whole country!”

“Calm down, Dear. There is no guarantee they’ll even get on TV.”

Try telling that to the boys in Dad Band. They were all worried about that.

Bill was worried that the camera was going to make him look fat. “They say that the camera adds twenty pounds,” he said. “I’m going to look huge!”

Pete was trying to master the new choreography that Wendy kept throwing at them. “Is it Left, Right, Left or is it Right, Left, Right? Repeat? Damn it! I’ll never get this.”

Pete directed his frustration at Walter.

“Walter, this was a stupid idea from the start,” Pete said. “It was one thing when it was a school talent show, but this is network television. We’re going to look like fools.” 

“No, we’re not,” Walter said. “Not if we rehearse.”

“Easy for you to say,” Larry said. “My daughter is giving me holy hell about this. She’s afraid we’re going to embarrass her.”

“Trust me,” Walter said.

They plodded on. Left, Right, Left, Turn, Spin. Or was it Spin, Turn? DAMMIT!

The butterflies and the sleepless nights began for Dad Band.

They all lay in their beds, staring at the ceiling. dreading what lay before them. 

Even Walter, especially Walter. What the hell had he done?

**

It all came down to this. They stood in a long line waiting for a long time for their chance to perform for the initial audition judges. After waiting and waiting it was finally their turn. 

They did their routine. The choreography was almost there and their lyrics were completely memorized. The harmonies, if you could call them that, still needed work. Wendy knew that.

As they gyrated along and worked their steps, they could see the smiles on the preliminary judges faces. Were they smirks? They were not sure. But…they weren’t frowns of bored disinterest. Then just as suddenly, it was over.

The producers said. “We’ll let you know.”

**

They sat in a fast food joint and discussed their chances.

“I think they liked us,” Walter said.

“I’m sure, Walter,” Pete said. “That’s why they cut us off so quickly.”

“It’s hard to say,” Larry said.

They sat and wondered what would happen. They worried about what would happen if they get in. They worried what would happen if they didn’t get in. It was another sleepless night for Dad Band.

Then Walter’s phone buzzed. They’d qualified for the on camera initial auditions. They were on their way. Their sphincters got a little tighter. This was really happening.

Part 7

At the AGT televised initial auditions, they were scared out of their minds. Walter began to wonder what the hell he had done. This was all his fault, he thought. How could he be this stupid to think this would work?

Then the announcer called their name and on they went, out on stage.

They stood before the judges, Howie, Heidi, Mel B., and Simon. 

“And who are you?” Howie asked.

“We are Dad Band,” Walter said.

“Dad Band?” Simon asked.

“Yes,” Walter said. “We are group of dads who watched our teenage daughters drift away from us and start falling for Boy Bands.”

“Like BTS?” Howie asked.

“So, you are Dad Band,” Simon said.

“Yes, Exactly,” Walter said.

“We’re here to dance and sing our way back in our daughter’s hearts,” Walter said.

The was an audible sound of affection from the crowd. “Awwww…”

“That’s so sweet,” Heidi said.

“Dad Band,” Simon said. “I wish you luck. Show us what you got.”

The audience applauded encouragingly. The music started. The members of Dad Band moved in their awkwardly earnest way. They did their version of Happy by Pharrell Williams and then transitioned in Up Town Funk by Bruno Mars. They were better than they had ever been. They nailed it. Then the judges provided their feedback. Most memorable was Heidi’s comment, “I love you, Dad Band,” she said. The others said, “It’s a yes from me.”

They were going on to Judge Cuts.

That night they were so excited and happy. Maybe it was going to be okay. Maybe it was going to work. It had certainly gone better than expected.

That night, after everyone had wished each other congratulations, everyone went back to their hotel rooms. Walter and Wendy lay in their hotel bed, listening to the roaring of their air conditioner and staring at the ceiling.

“I can’t believe we’ve come this far,” Walter said.

“I can,” Wendy said.

They kissed.

It was time for lights out.

**

The rehearsals for Judge Cuts were a mess. There were arguments over which songs to sing, which costumes to wear, would Bill ever master the double turn at the end of the second chorus? Why did Bill sound so bad on the harmonies?

“Are you even trying?” Larry asked.

“Yes,” Bill said. “Yes, I am. You’re not so great yourself! I saw you trip after that second side to side sequence.” 

“I did not trip.”

“Yes, you did.”

The two shut up for a while. They all wondered if this whole scheme was even working. Their daughters seemed more mortified and upset than ever. 

Was this such a good idea? 

Walter wouldn’t hear of all this. He pressed on, undaunted, and undeterred, or so it seemed.

The arguments continued. Should they do a soul music medley: Heard It Through the Grapevine followed by Dancing in the Streets? Pete thought this was a terrible idea. Their daughters didn’t listen to soul music. “If our whole story is that we doing this to win back our daughters, how is this doing that? It makes no sense.”

“We are showing them the music we love,” Walter said, “So they will love us again.”

“That’s a stretch,” said Larry. “We should do Rappin’ Daddy.”

“Well,” said Wendy. “Whatever we are doing, we better decide fast. I have to teach you a new set of choreography.”

“Well, maybe we don’t need you to teach us the choreography,” Pete said. “We can do it ourselves. It’s always been too complex anyway.”

Walter looked at Pete, horrified.

“Fine,” Wendy said. 

She turned around, walked out and she was gone. 

They were stuck.

Part 8

With Wendy gone, Walter convinced them to do the soul music medley. They were all reluctant. Peter muttered complaints under his breath the whole time. 

They learned the steps.

They ran them over and over.

They drilled their routine until they were sick of it and sick of each other.

Tempers were short.

Then they hit a snag. There was a specific dance move they couldn’t master. Was it pivot, turn, outward arm? Outward arm, then twist? They kept bumping into each other. It just wasn’t working.

Walter decided that enough was enough. This wasn’t going to work. They were going to look like fools out there. He went to find Wendy. He searched and searched through the hotel and finally found her.

She was at the hotel bar nursing a large glass of red wine and eating a piece of chocolate cake.

“Wendy?” Walter asked.

“Hello,” Wendy said.

She had that look on her face, a frightening mixture of sadness and anger that broke Walter in two every time.

“We need you, Wendy. I need you. Please. Please come back and help us learn the dance steps,” Walter said.

Wendy stared past him. He was invisible to her.

“No.”

“Please,” Walter said. “We need this. I need this. If…if you could just understand. I need to see the way Kristi used to look at me. The way she used to look before…”

“Before she grew up?” Wendy asked.

Walter paused.

“It’s just….she’s growing up so fast,” Walter said.

“You know she’s embarrassed by what you’re doing, what you are all doing,” Wendy said.

“I know,” Walter said.

“She’s terrified you’re going to make fools out of yourselves,” Wendy said. “She’s afraid of being the laughing stock of the school.”

Walter was quiet for a long time.

“Please,” Walter said. “I saw her look at me, after the talent show. I saw her love, her pride in me, just for a second. I saw it in her smile. Wendy, I need to see that again. Please.”

Wendy looked into his eyes.

“Honey, it’s okay to let her go. She is going to grow up. Soon she’ll be in high school. Then before you know it, she’ll be off to college,” Wendy said. Then she stopped. I’m not ready for that myself, she thought.

“I know. I know all that,” Walter said. “That’s why I need to see that look in her eye again, before it’s too late. Please.”

Wendy looked at Walter. He was near tears. She hadn’t ever seen him cry.

She thought about it for a moment.

They got up and went back to rehearsal.

**

“Dad Band, welcome back for Judge Cuts,” Heidi said.

They stood on stage before the judges.

“Thank you,” Walter said.

“What are you going to do for us?” Simon asked.

“We’re going to do our show stopping Soul Music Medley,” Walter said.

Howie looked intrigued. Simon looked puzzled, maybe even a little skeptical.

“Good luck,” he said.

The music started. It was the vintage Marvin Gaye arrangement. 

“I bet you wondered how I knew about your plans to make me blue.”

Dad Band began bobbing to the groove, rotating in tight spins. The crowd cheered, surprised by the polished start. Then Dad Band broke into a slide to great applause and screams of delight.

Then…

Then it all went wrong.

Fast.

They forgot the moves and began to falter, stumbling like a herd of drunken oxen. Their daughters who were now on camera, were mortified. They wanted the earth to open up and swallow them whole. This was a disaster. The crowd fell silent, like they had witnessed a traffic accident.

Dad Band was stunned, not sure of what to do.

All was silence.

Then…Pete perhaps out of desperation or inspiration, started an improvised beat box rhythm with his mouth. The others, realizing what he was doing, started to beat box behind him.

Bump Bump Bump

Bump Bump A Bump

“Well, I’m Rappin’ Daddy and I’m here to say, I’m here to do things the Daddy way.”

Was this a planned routine or are they trying to save themselves from disaster? Nobody could tell.

The truth was that they made up lyrics as they went, off the top of their heads. And, for a while, it seemed to work. The crowd began to rally behind them, clapping along.

They kind of held it together until the end. Sort of…

But then, it came time for the judge’s decision.

Part 9

The Judges looked at Dad Band. There was a moment of silence before they spoke.

“Look,” Simon said. “When you first came out here at initial auditions, you were so cute and charming and goofy. I want to see you go on, but this was a complete disaster. It’s a ‘no’ from me.

“Sorry, Dad Band,” Heidi said. “It’s a ‘no’ from me.”

Mel B agreed. So did Howie.

Dad Band shuffled off stage. The show went to commercial.

It was all over.

**

They drove back to the hotel in their rented minivan. It was silent inside. Nobody wanted to lay blame or second guess any of the decisions that they’d made. They just wanted to get back to the hotel, maybe hang out at the pool, just try to put it behind them.

Finally, Wendy broke the silence.

“Don’t feel bad you guys,” Wendy said. “You made it to Judge Cuts. A lot of people don’t even do that.”

“Wendy,” Pete said. “We feel bad enough already. We don’t need you trying to cheer us up.”

“Hey,” Walter said. “That’s enough. She’s just trying to make us feel better, that’s all.”

They drove on for miles in silence, each of them thinking of how close they’d come. If they had only practiced a little more, maybe it would have turned out differently. Maybe they would have succeeded.

But they didn’t succeed.

They failed.

They all knew it.

The miles rolled by in silence. Only the whirring of the tires on the highway made any sound at all.

Then from the back of the van, Kristi started screaming.

Part 10

They heard Kristi screaming from the back of the van.

“Ohmygod, Ohmygod, OHMYGOD!!!!!! DAD!!!! OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Uh oh, what now? Walter thought.

“What is it, Kristi?” asked Wendy.

“Somehow, someone put a recording of your Rappin’ Daddy song on iTunes and it’s climbing up the charts,” Kristi said.

“YES!!!!” Wendy said.

“What does that mean?” Walter asked.

“It means you’re a hit after all!” Wendy said.

“That’s amazing” Peter said.

“FANTASTIC!!” Walter said.

Kristi turned up the volume on her iPad. All the rest of the way back to the hotel, they jammed out to “Rappin’ Daddy”. The minivan was full of joy.

**

The song was a huge hit on iTunes, and on YouTube and soon all the FM Contemporary Hit Radio stations were playing it. It was the song of the summer! Soon Dad Band launched a national tour. People loved to watch them perform and sing along with their surprise hit. 

Their daughters saw how much everyone on their news feed loved them. Sure, there were haters who called them fat and pathetic and stupid and over the hill, but they just deleted those jerks, like you should.

When Kristi saw how much all the kids in school loved her Dad, she was much less embarrassed, she was even kind of proud. 

One time, she even said, “I love you, Dad,” while they were on the couch watching TV.

“I love you, Sweetheart,” Walter said.

**

Then, after a while, things settled down and their tour ended and the Dads went back to their jobs. Life went back to normal. Dad Band had retired from public performance.

One night, Walter and Wendy sat on their deck and talked.

“Do you miss the crowds, all the lights, and all that attention?” she asked.

“A little bit,” Walter said. “But I am glad we’re all home.”

“Yes,” Wendy said. “So am I.” She smiled.

Sure, Kristi would still roll her eyes at him from time to time. He was still her dad after all. But when she did, it was with a wink in her eye, a sly smile that underscored her words. She loved her dad, even as she grew up and continued to pull away from home.

On the deck, Walter and Wendy continued to talk.

“It was a sweet thing you did,” Wendy said.

“It was a sweet thing, you did, teaching us to dance,” Walter said.

“Oh,” Wendy said. “Is that what you were doing?”

Walter laughed and so did she.

Kristi still needed her space. She was out with her friends. So they sat up, waiting for her to come home.

THE END