The Stewarts and the Winfreys

Fanciful Futuristic Historical Fiction

by Phil Holt

(c) 2024

The year was 4024. The geographic region formerly known as the United States was divided into two warring factions, based on two very different belief systems. 

The followers of the teachings of the late Twentieth Century teacher and master caterer, Martha Stewart were known as the Stewarts. They believed that personal salvation comes from exquisite home decoration and by entertaining dinner guests by cooking elaborate meals and hosting lavish dinner parties. In the Eastern region of the former North American nation state, a rival movement devoted instead to the teachings of Stewart. 

By contrast, the followers of Oprah Winfrey, the late Twentieth Century television presenter who preached to her followers, known as the Winfreys, that personal enlightenment came from self-discovery and personal growth. Pleasing the Oprah could result in her granting free cars to her believers.  The Followers of Oprah soon spread their belief throughout the land, primarily in the Midwestern and Western regions of what previously known as the United States. 

Throughout history, these conflicting philosophies of salvation gave rise to some of the most violent wars the earth has ever known. 

In order to understand the chaos and devastation wrought by these differing philosophies, one must understand the contrasting texts that are the basis of these religions. Only through examining the texts, can we understand the roots of the resting carnage and devastation these texts and their application have wrought.  

Noted theologian Patricia Williamsdaughter has studied these religious traditions by comparing and analyzing the texts of their most revered scripture. Notice how the contrast of approach and life philosophy informed the teachings of each. The parallel but contrasting philosophies had a profound impact on generations for years. The scripture texts are presented side by side in order to show the similarities and contrasts.

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The Book of Oprah

Chapter One, Verses 1-6

In the beginning there was Oprah and Oprah was the Word and the Word was Oprah. And lo, in the place of the lower Delta of the Great River, there was born a girl child and this child did grow to have the gift of the Word and they Word did enrich her and she was Oprah. 

And in this place, the Oprah was born and was a child. And there as a small child she began to speak in the halls of the holy. And the people did gather to hear this thing happen and said to one another, ‘This child is with the Word.’

Then did the Oprah travel north with her mother to dwell in the land of cheese and dairy by the large lake. Then did the child Oprah suffer greatly. Accosted was she and horrible evil did visit upon her. Shame be unto him who visited this despicable evil upon her, for it was truly horrid. Descended then, did Oprah to a darkness and a sadness that none should ever know.”

**

The Book of Martha, Chapter 1

And Neatly, in those days there dwelt in the Garden Lands a teacher and a salesman who united and brought forth a daughter child. And they did call this child Martha Kostyra and it was a good thing.

And Precisely at that time, there was the second great world war across all the lands of the world and in this place of the hidden quiet shelter there dwelt a young Martha, who did grow from a baby to a young lady. Later, did she then attend the halls of learning and was smiled upon by the Glamorous Ones and low was she anointed as one of the “Best Dressed College Girls.

And verily, in that place of the ivy-laced walls did she meet young Andrew Stewart and behold, did they marry and did became she Martha Stewart. And it was a Very Good Thing.

**

The Book of Oprah, Chapter 1, Verse 2

From this, were sown the seeds of a future woman of greatness, Oprah. As the earth did revolve around the sun, then did also the years pass. Wild ran the child that was the Oprah and lied, did she, to her mother and then did dark days descend upon Oprah. Then moved was she to the land of her father. And the Father did demand the reading of the words at the pace of one book each seven days.  Demanded he of her a report on the words she had read. The child Oprah did respond to these demands and developed she a love of the written word.

**

The Book of  Martha, Chapter 1, Verse 2

And it came to pass that in those days she did toil on the Street of Walls pursuing wealth, but lo, with six revolutions of the earth around the sun there did come a great receding of dollars and fortune and then did she ended her adventures on the Street of Walls and moved did she and Andrew to the land of Connecticut. And there, in the town of West Port, restoreth did she a farmhouse of old.

**

The book of Oprah , Chapter 2

And lo, upon the age of ten and seven, did the Oprah enter the Halls of the Glowing Word.

First, heard was she from within the speaking box.

Later seen was she from within the glowing box.  First, read did she of the goings on of the day. And then it came to pass that she walked among those with heads of skin and eyes of hate and there talked did she to the haters of others and spoke did she with families that were torn apart. 

It was in this land of the angry and the damaged that she did encounter the one known as Quincy, the one called Q. 

You Go Girl.

**

The Book of Martha, Chapter 2, Verses 76-86

And lo, in the time of the North American Bicentennial, began Martha to ply a trade. From the basement of her dwelling, venture did she into the homes of nearby friends with plates of cheese and crackers, carrots and celery, and also did she provide garnish aplenty. Sing all Praise to Martha. And yeh, were these dishes of splendor beautifully arranged and displayed. And the people of the North East did welcome her into their lavish homes. Cater did she the gatherings of those who hadeth the wealth of the land. Profit did she from this enterprise and with ten orbits of the earth around the sun raiseth she one million dollars. It was a good thing.

**

The Book of Oprah, Verses 3

And the Q did propel Oprah into the land of the Purple. And did the voice and face of Oprah did cover the nation. Then also the Oprah did appear on the tiny screens across the land and the viewers were blessed, equally so. And the people did rejoice. 

The Oprah did give of herself and the nation did give back to the Oprah many fold. Attaineth did she billions of coins of the realm, but rested on her laurels she did not. For lo, did the Oprah care so much for her people that her feelings did she share and gifts did she profer on to her people. “And you get a car! And you get a car!”

And the people did rejoice and read the words she gave unto them and told them to read and the people did focus on finding their joy.

**

The Book of Martha, Chapter 4, verse 1982

In the year of our Martha, 1982, did the words of the Martha go into print in a book entitled “Entertaining”. And far and wide did the people read the book and the people did treasure the word of the Martha. The word was passed from page to the rooms of the readers and there was a time of great festivity and adornment and garnishment of foodstuffs and it was good.

Verse 1987

And it came to pass that the bonds between Martha and Andrew did strain and twist and break apart. This was a time of great sadness for the Martha. End did she the union with Andrew Stewart, keeping only his last name upon the breakup of this union. Although, from the union of Martha and Andrew did spring a daughter named Alexis. And Lo with six turns of the earth did Andrew then unite with Martha’s former expert of flowers. This greatly displeased Martha and so she was Royally Fucking Pissed Off and darkness did fall upon on the land.

**

The Book of Oprah, Verse 7

And yet peace was not within the Oprah. There was a great gaining and losing and gaining and losing of stone of the body. This news did she share with the people and the people did take the struggle on as their own and so it was with the Oprah.

And it was during this time that the Oprah granted her grace upon the hidden scribes. Rescued did she those who labor alone with pen and parchment in those quiet places hidden by the people. The Oprah did read their words and said unto the people to do the same. And lo, the people did and show who labored with the scrawling word did benefit in untold fortune by the touch of the Oprah. And so it was that at that time there came a scribe speaking sad tales of his life and believed the Oprah in him until it was revealed that he spoke mistruths about his life. Angered was the Oprah. The humble scribe did repent to the Oprah, and also to the people. Humbled was the scribe and Great was the power of the Oprah.

**

The Book of Martha, Verses 10-12

And it did come to pass that the printed word did become the glossy periodical and that the periodical was a magazine and that magazine was Martha Stewart Living. Thus, a brand was born unto the multitudes. And verily was She the Living Word, and went forth she into the naion. And there was much straightening and neatening of the homes of her followers. And much presenting of veggie trays with garnish plentifully displayed. The people of the Land found Splendor in the household and it was a good thing.

**

The Book of Oprah, Verse  12

And it came to pass that there were dark times and there was much ringing of hands as to what to do and the people did not know where or how to find their joy. Wondered they aloud what they should do. 

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The Book of Martha, Verse 14

And thus did the Living Word of Martha come to rest upon the alter of the glowing box. Thus did the people see the Living Word of Martha made flesh upon the screen and people did show upon her the currency of the land. In thankfulness of the Living Word did they shower upon her #136 million. For the grace of merchandise in the market, did they profer upon the Martha $53 million, and verily $31 million for sales directly to the people. Thus did the kingdom grow and spread throughout the land and dwelling did it spread to Connecticut, Maine and also did it spread to New York.

**

The Book of Oprah, Verse 19

The Oprah heard the people. Offered she the words of a learned man of wisdom and strength. Strong and firm but fair was the love of the learned man. And the people did rejoice drank they in the words of the learned man. Reveled they in the words of the learned man that sprang from the Oprah. 

The people did come from far and wide to appear before the learned man. Said he unto them, “Did you eat stupid flakes for breakfast?” To others of the people did he say, “What were yooooou thinking?”

And lo, did parents feel ashamed for letting their children run wild in the night. And lo, the people before him were made to feel stupid and ashamed. The other people who did see this exchange did give thanks that their lives were better and that it was not them before the learned man.

But low, the people did cry out for the word of the Oprah.

**

The Book of Martha, Verse 22

And in those days of Two Thousand and One, there came dark times. There was a great and furious exchange of coins of the realm. Said Martha, “It’s it nice that there are people who tell you these things.” There came dark days of accusation and rumor and allegations. Rather than address these problems, focused did the Martha on her salad. Finally, after much travail, stood did she before her accusers, accusing her of high crimes. And so, she awaited her punishment. And the verdict did come back and it was Guilty. And so it was that she was found guilty.

And low, was Martha sent to a place where no doilies or lattice work nor periwinkle were seen. There was no decoration, nor ornamentation, nor adornment of any kind. And the walls were spare and made plain. 

Walketh did she through the dark times of her soul. Those that did once love her did now deny her. Then did darkness fall across the land for all who truly loved the Living Word. And it was not a good thing. It was a very bad thing.

Reacheth out did she to those who declared their love for her and declared she, “I have done nothing wrong.”

**

The Book of Oprah, Chapter 32, Verse 4

The Oprah did look upon and heard her followers.  She felt the pain they were feeling. The Oprah said unto them, “You have the power. You must look into yourself. You must find your inner light. Find yourself. Find your Source. Truly, I say unto you, find your Center. Find your Joy. You go, Girl!”

And the people were amazed at these words and the people did rejoice and praise the Oprah. And so did they the yoga and eat of the  avocado

and it was good.

This the Word of the Oprah. 

Thanks be to Oprah.

**

The Book of Martha, the final books of the time after confinement, Chapter 36, Verse 7

And it came to pass that when imprisoned, knitted did she shawls and the other prisoners did the same and gifted the shawl to Martha.  And so, in time, did Martha emerge from Prison, said, she, “It was a very bad thing.”

And she did start anew. Spread did she her words of Living, and her people did follow her once again and it was a good thing.  Ran did she with the Dogg named Snoop and profited did she from making light of her image and again her kingdom did prosper many fold.

**

Analysis

At this point in history, men were not allowed to serve in the military due to the fact that when they got sick during peace time, they acted like big babies and insisted that women care for them, even asking for help to reach the remote.

Men were rounded up and kept in garages and basements so as not to bump into things, or put dishes, that need to be hand washed, into the dishwasher and just make things worse so women have to do it all over again anyway.

Men were also forbidden to drive or appear in public without a female chaperone, perhaps a sister or an aunt. This led to grumbling at first, but it was widely accepted that men, who didn’t have the pain threshold to bear children, needed to be sheltered from the pain of the real world. Perhaps, years from now, in peace time, we could look at relaxing these rules, but prudence and the scriptures called for caution and many, many men complied, but not without a certain amount of whining, grumbling, and complaining.

The wars resulting from the conflict of these worldviews were many.  The first battle between the Stewarts and the Winfreys was fought in the region previously known as New England where a garrison of Winfrey soldiers, heading back to the area formerly known as Illinois was beset upon by a platoon of Stewarts, led by General Alexis Summers who commanded a guerilla squadron. The Winfreys were caught by surprise and the casualties were staggering.

The Winfreys, led by Commander Phyllis Stedman, held their ground, regrouped and pounded the Stewarts with Oprah Book Club Selections containing boobytraps, or breast traps, with grenades which tore into the Stewart encampment, ripping it apart and leaving a horrible mess that someone had to clean up and those pesky uniform stains never did come out. 

Through the next ten years, battles waged across the region formerly known as North America. 

Marching into battle, the Stewarts’ would sing:

Mine eyes have the seen the glory of the coming of Good Things

We have stored it all in bins and jars, making our hearts sing

She has made a place for everything, with everything in its place

The Stewarts are marching on.

By contrast, the Winfreys rode into battle singing the late 20th century anthem:

I’m every woman, it’s all in me.

Anything you want done baby

I do it naturally.”

Perhaps the best way to reflect on the sprawling nature of war is through the eyes of one of its soldiers, Corporal Alexis Stevens, writing from the battlefield to her husband, William.

“Dearest William,

It’s been three months since we engaged the Winfreys at Gayle King Hill.  It seems that this war will never end. They fire on us and we fire on them and on and on. We gain ground and lose it again, only to gain it and lose it again.

I waiting for this all to be over and for the day when I can hold you in my arms again. Wouldn’t that be wonderful, My Love?

We must both be patient. I know how you fuss and about being left in the garage to listen to ball games and worry about these war time goings on. Be patient My Love.

When this all started, things seemed much clearer to me. I knew why I was fighting. I had no doubt. I was defending our way of life, but now I don’t know anymore. I have seen too much. I am less sure. Does decorating the house for festive dinner parties and entertaining guests really give me the right to take the life of someone who believes that their personal salvation comes from self-improvement and personal growth?  I don’t know. I never thought I’d say this, but I have to admire a religion that offers its followers new cars. Unless I missed something in Sunday School, Martha never did that.

It all seemed so clear before. 

Forgive me, My Love. This letter is far to sad.  I will try to be more cheerful in my next letter. Please write when you find time.

Yours With Love,

Alexis”

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